Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You
Reviewer/Reader Feedback: "This book has an amazing way of unearthing and organizing all those painful feelings you feel if you are being controlled, or "told who or how you are" in a forceful way by another human being. If you have low self-esteem as a result of believing in someone who wants nothing more than to control you, than you need this book to help free yourself from the controller's delusions. Reading Controlling People is more like witnessing, allowing you to experience a huge reality check as you come to realize that you're nowhere near alone, and to trust your own "creative force". The book is genius in its logical explanation of why people become abusers, and, how, if you've been abused, you can find a realistic path toward self-healing."
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User: anonymous
Date: 7/4/2005 1:24:00 PM
My boss was controlling, manipulating, undermining and threatening which in turn made me an on-edge, high performance lacking, undervalued employee, this lead me to the breakdown of my relationship and a gambling addiction, I tried several times to speak to HR to no avail. I am now paying the high price for something that was out of my control, I really don't know what do with myself, I feel so helpless....I wish someone would help me....
User: anonymous
Date: 7/8/2005 3:43:00 PM
Whatever you do, please don't hurt yourself. Instead, write down ALL the facts you can remember and try to stay in touch with people. Venting your frustrations online is ok, but you also need someone real to talk to. You will be amazed at the suggestions they have. Try to find someone outside of work.
User: anonymous
Date: 9/16/2005 10:04:00 AM
Help me. I have become a very bitter person because of an abusive, critical, arrogant, rude christian brother. I don't want to feel like this but it just seems he just doesnt get it. He looks at my shortcoming but says it in a condemning critical spirit. How do I deal with this guy and the feelings of wanting to punch this guys lights out. This bitterness has turn me to hate this guy which I know I shouldnt, Help me! I am emotionally tormented by this. He has a controlling spirit and is very arrogant.
User: anonymous
Date: 9/23/2005 10:32:00 AM
I have become a very down-hearted person when it comes to other people tryig to control you. I am 15 years old and I am looking at a humor site then WHAM! The Administrator takes CONTROL and calls telling the teacher I need to get off, and bla bla, I feel very controlled! Never have the freedom in U.S. as adults do most try to control you and take over your life, oh when will we all die?
User: anonymous
Date: 1/20/2006 12:30:00 AM
my boss is a woman who i helped get ahead,,she is now mean and soul less she is trying to get me fired by making up false deadlines
User: Samantha
Date: 1/21/2006 5:42:00 PM
One of my subordinates is a backstabbing, lying, incompetent employee. I documented this in a 4 page, single-spaced email to the director, the v.p. and the h.r. dept., asking that this pathetic psycho be appropriately disciplined...to no avail. It is unfortunate that corporate America (at least this clueless company) doesn't have the backbone to do the right thing. I believe in the adage "what goes around, comes around". It's just a matter of time until this incompetent employee causes the company some major financial loss due to her lying about completing her assigned tasks (but not having done a thing -- also documented)...You learn to live with spineless upper management and incompetent employees and do the best job you can, maintain a positive attitude and integrity and realize that it is only a "job" and a paycheck, no more and no less. If we don't like where we work or the people there, we can always find another job...might not pay as much and could possibly be the same or similar types of incompetent employees and spineless upper management anywhere. How sad.
User: anonymous
Date: 2/11/2006 7:54:00 PM
I have just been told I was going to loose my job as of June due to several VP's in my dept saying i scored low on my year end evaluation. One is a supersivor I have worked with for almost 5 years and it pains me to find out that a person I thought was my close, confident and friend is really an enemy and she is also the wife of a pastor. Go figure. Yeah, is she better than me or what?
User: anonymous
Date: 3/10/2006 5:17:00 AM
i really enjoy my job. i just have a boss that is controlling and very motherly, she always do the favorites game. i made a mistake for the first time and i did apologize, but she did not care and let me know i was wasting time. she seem to act like iam incapable. what do i do, i like my job, but i do want to continue to respect my boss to.
User: anonymous
Date: 4/8/2006 5:57:00 AM
myt boss and i was very close and he always give an advice.this is my opportunity to do something
User: anonymous
Date: 4/10/2006 4:48:00 PM
My boss constantly calles me blondie, makes blatant rude remarks about my looks, now people in the office call me blondie, he says he tells me to do things and he doesnt, he told a lie about me to a co employoe whcih caused her to hostile lock me out of office then she finally felt bad and apologized to me...... he has told me on the speakerphone to stop whining i was only jewish by injecction. if i come in early he says do you have problems at home.... i am not payed overtime however he does not provide a job descirption ..... it goes on and on and on.... one of our managers came in to my office and told my staff that evetything here was "nigger rigged" which is offensive and wrong.. he said.. everyone has there level of prejudcie . my boss is the president of a compant
User: anonymous
Date: 4/28/2006 1:35:00 PM
i feel like my boss is controlling and nit picking.he is never satisfied nothing is never right. he expect high expextation that he cant do himself.he is confusing but he is alright at times i feel sorry for him.
User: anonymous
Date: 5/8/2006 4:37:00 PM
My boss in an "Idot"everyone makes mistakes except him.He is from Italy,
stubborn, women are beneath men.He is
so damn lazy that he would rather bitch
to the other employees about me than
to my face.I have a real problem with
two faced people,espcecially when they
are your superior and your supposed
to learn from them. He is a womanizer,God's gift to the world.He is
a hypochondriac,has alot of relationship issues and we all have to hear about it. This is not how you
an office.
User: anonymous
Date: 5/12/2006 7:12:00 PM
My mother is very controlling over my life for my whole life. She tells me how to feel, likes to blame me for everything. I cannot continue this relationship. It is not getting any better at all. She is so mean. I can't take this anymore.
User: anonymous
Date: 5/22/2006 10:10:00 AM
There are many controlling people around at the moment, I am witness to alot of these people. The book offers great insight into alot of these issues.
I understand how difficult it can be, the feelings of "wearing down" that are felt and the sadness it can cause.
Don't know what else to say really.
User: anonymous
Date: 6/26/2006 12:55:00 PM
What is it with controlling women in authority. I work for one such power hungry individual. Like most of the testimonies I have read she is still with this clueless company. Actually, they see her as an asset. Everyone in the department hates her and she continues to make the work place miserable. I have long left this miserable place of employment. However, when do you suppose justice will come to this individual?
User: anonymous
Date: 7/2/2006 5:06:00 PM
My wife is very controlling. I had a head injury some years back and she convinced others and me at the time that I couldn't make any good judgements or decisions. I now know better, but am in a place that I can't shake her total control without leaving her, which I am finding almost impossible to do. Help???
User: anonymous
Date: 7/13/2006 2:10:00 PM
My son-in-law through 'love' manipulates my daughter so she has almost no relationship with her dad and me. Any plans we have suddenly have to be postponed or canceled altogether because he says, "I'm coming home just to be with you." She's so flattered and unwilling to hurt him (or make him mad) that she changes our plans. She has almost no family relationships and no friends. He's managed to convince her their relationship is more special, closer than other people's. If she is off work, he takes off work. She says, "He said he took off to be with me, and if I leave there is no reason for him to take off." How can I draw both of them into the family? I've never excuded him--in fact I really like him. Doing things as a group works once in a while, but he spends almost all free time with his family or just my daughter. He says, "That's the only time I have to be with my family." Three years of this is enough. Holidays are a nightmare. He is very accommodating until the last minute when all plans change. I was afraid my daughter just didn't want to be around us, but I found out he's the one who changes everything. I've been so nice I make myself sick, but to confront them will only make it worse.
User: anonymous
Date: 7/25/2006 4:10:00 PM
This is for the guy with the judging Christian Brother, obviously your brother doesn't read his Bible. Romans Chapter2 verse1. You have to use something on his level of understanding. Also, in the book of Matthew(in the Bible too)Jesus makes a statement that one brother shouldn't point out a sliver in his brother's eye without first removing the plank from his own eye. Use his religion against him, it's one thing to say you are a Christian and it's another to know what that really means. If you still have problems, got find a Church called UBF in Chicago, look online, they have a website. Contact them and tell them what is going on, they'll probably send somebody to your brother or to his church , to school the people about not being haughty. i'm not saying your bro is a bad guy or anything, he's simply mislead, you are right no tot listen to him. Think of this a tree needs nourishment to grow. If it gets bad nutrients, it'll produce bad fruit. If your brother is mislead, then anything he produces in you, will be misleading. SO, just think of it that way. The best Christians have no problem converting people, I'm not a great christian...but, yeah see what you can do to help him. You'll actually be helping his relationship with god, god likes that. Good luck, although I doubtyou'll come back to read this.
User: anonymous
Date: 8/1/2006 11:33:00 PM
My boss has made friends with three people who work under me. One in particular she takes out to long lunches, yet I have never been invited out by the boss for lunch one on one. This particular person sent emails about me around the company several years ago. They consisted of lies and gossip because I had to fire someone. My previous boss got wind of it and wrote her up for it. I was clueless until my boss told me about the emails. Now he is gone and the present one thinks sun rises and sets in this particular employee. I recently found out something she told another one of my staff about what their duties were on the night shift. I sent an email to correct this mis-information. I phrased it as reminder. For that I got remprimanded from my boss. She said my emails sounded like I was scolding my staff and treating them like kindergarteners. I've read and reread the email I sent and I can't understand how it was percieved like that. I know it was this one person who complained because she went into my bosses office with the door shut for 10 minutes and then came out and then my boss came to my office and told me about my scolding email. Even if I was scolding, (which I was not) as her supervisor don't I have a right if I believe she purposely gave out mis information to a newer staff member? I have no idea what to do. There is no one for me to go to since my present boss is as high as you can go. There is no human resource department. I feel so alone and I have no one to go to.
User: anonymous
Date: 9/20/2006 2:39:00 PM
My "Boss" thinks that she can control a person by finding any little thing that she supposedly thinks is wrong with them, and then pointing them out when we are in a meeting and then blurting them out while looking at the person out the corner of her eyes. It makes me want to slap the eyeballs right out of her head. She needs a wood shampoo. She just likes to make people feel as though they are inadequate, or she is God. Nobody says nothing.
User: anonymous
Date: 11/1/2006 2:35:00 PM
Working in a family business is tuff. My husband and I have recently moved back from Eruope to help run the business. I went back to school and taking business. It is very difficult to work/school. We both feel like we work really hard and do not get respect from anybody. My family seems to be mad at us, for some reason. Some of the employees seem to be mad that we came back to help run the business. It has come to the point that we both want to move back to Europe and let them deal with the business. I think we were closer when we lived further anyway from the family. Does anybody have any advice on what we should do?
User: anonymous
Date: 11/8/2006 12:29:00 AM
The most obvious answer would be to move back. Though whether that would be feesable is upto you.
User: anonymous
Date: 3/24/2007 10:30:00 PM
to all of the people who feel controlled or intimidated by others: this is what I do-- I distance myself, mentally, physically and make no comment to them whatsoever. It is hard to argue with yourself or justify why you should do something just because they want you to. I have a very strong faith in God and He is the only One I put total trust in. After all, He gave me the same abilities that all humans have and my decisions are as competent as anyone else's. That is not to say I don't make mistakes or the wrong choices on occasion but I learn from them and move on. I really think controlling people have so many negative issues about themselves and being able to control those around them makes them feel important, "on top" of what's going on around them; in other words, "top dog". If your problem is in the office or work place, just do your job to the very best of your ability, look for ways to improve your situation but by all means take the credit. Make sure management sees or hears from a fair party your ideas and suggestions for improvement. If your problem is in your personal life, stick it out until you are 18 and can get a job and move out (parents, guardians. If the person is a spouse, depending on the degree: horrible and it makes you crazy- leave! If he/she is just sometimes annoying, work it out. Remember what brought you together in the first place.
User: anonymous
Date: 4/8/2007 3:57:00 PM
really my story seems to be easy but in fact it is strange.i live as people do but from time to time i feel that i am a strange person,living in this life without any porpuse.in fact i dont know why
User: anonymous
Date: 4/8/2007 6:50:00 PM
I feel that we are all pure spirits with the same deep core and deep values we are one. It is hard to deal with friends, family, co-workers, anyone in general who you open up to for guidance, acceptance. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone and have them listen. But when they try to control your decision or you feel they try to control your decision it will make you feel negative in the end as if you are not capable of making a proper decision on your own. The key in life is to accept yourself as a human. You will be judgemental, sad, angry, full of fear all those things that can deter you from knowing deep inside what is right for you. But dont ever put your fate in the hands of others. If everyone knew eachothers fate and felt that their decision for you is right this place would be perfect and it is not. Look to yourself for others, dont blame anyone and if a situation becomes too negative for you distance yourself. We need time to recollect our thoughts. Dont ever let anyone bring you down. I just wanted to share my thoughts. Thanks AS
User: anonymous
Date: 5/4/2007 4:00:00 AM
My "former" boss was very controlling, used lots of manipulation, scare tactics and threats to exercise control over me. He gave me tons of work, forcing me to OT while not wanting to compensate me for it, he sabotaged my work efforts, try to embarrass me in front of the other coworkers, called me into his office and belittle my thougths, ideas, and performance. I complained to HR, but that made it much worse. I was on Zoloft & Ativan. But God blessed me with a higher paying job and I quit. I have trust issues with supervision. Healing is taking some time to occur.
User: anonymous
Date: 5/29/2007 7:43:00 PM
My x-best friend is controlling, we did everything together but it was allways on his term. When things were not going well he would put me down by calling me degrating names. He now has a new girl friend who has had a rough life and she loves him. Iam worried about her because she has no idea what shes in for. Also this guy is in to guys as well as girl and I allready see the signs of abuse. I had to break my friendship with him after 2 years because it all became to much for me.
User: anonymous
Date: 5/31/2007 4:47:00 PM
I seem to gravitate to controlling people, and now re-married and have not told anyone that I feel that I made a mistake again. My husband tells me he loves me, then calls me up at work expecting me to conversate with him and puts me down because I don't hear well. I have to repetively ask him to repeat what he said. He says that I am irritating, frustrating, percieves me as being slow. Right now I am the only one working consistently, and when he works his sales job he does very well. If this relationship doesn't work, I will never do this again. I speak well of him, but feel he looks down his nose at me constantly. I am getting to the place I don't want to go home and deal with him
User: anonymous
Date: 6/15/2007 8:06:00 AM
It truly makes to so sad so hear some of these stories, but I can not understand why companies do not take any action ? People do not leave companies they leave managers. Why do companies do not do more ?
User: anonymous
Date: 6/23/2007 1:57:00 PM
It was not that long ago that I was on a job and I realized that someone I had known for 8 years was at this current job. I really believed this person was my friend. We had worked together before. Well, this person was running back and telling the lead person and supervisor anything I said when I was frustrated. Another person who I had been giving rides to led me to think that we were cool with each other. I finally left that job and when I got in touch with the the one I'd been giving rides to, he was cold and unfeeling. I guess he had been brainwashed and convinced I was a bad person by people at that job. I was now convinced that no matter how good of a person you try to be, if others are running you down and are against you, everyone else will follow their lead and believe whatever is being said about you. I had never felt so betrayed and backstabbed in my life. This was the worst experience I had ever had with this. To make matters worse, these were both MEN who did this to me!!!! Hmmm, and people say that women are bad to work with.
User: anonymous
Date: 6/23/2007 2:12:00 PM
I am going to school for someething in the medical field. So far, I am doing pretty good. The summer is here and yet, I have no special plans or anything exciting to look forward to. I have been disappointed by so many so-called friends and have accepted the fact that there is no future for me with any real friends and no future for any real excitement in my life. My goal is to finish school, successfully complete my externship afterward, graduate and begin a career in my field of which I am going to school in. I am hoping, in maybe 2 years and no longer, to move away from this city and start a future somewhere else. I need to start fresh somewhere and leave so many unhappy memories and failures behind me. I have tried to make so many friends in the past years and everytime I find out that they either 1) just wanted to use me for what they wanted, 2) were put up to getting close to me by someone else who wanted to hurt me, 3)changed how they felt about me because someone else who did not like me turned them against me by saying negative things. I can honestly say, "I AM FD UP AND SO HURT"!!!! I'll never try to make friends again. I just want to be able to live my life and pay my bills and be comfortable. I've learned to accept loneliness for what it is. I guess it beats constant betrayal, backstabbing and rejection when dealing with people.
User: anonymous
Date: 7/6/2007 8:58:00 PM
Hello! Good Site! Thanks you! ctigtnfcclec
User: anonymous
Date: 9/17/2007 10:14:00 PM
anonymous
Date: 9/16/2005 10:04:00 AM
This may be a few years late, but why should you continue to be mad with each other for a long time. The thing that you argue about is over and proberbly you can not remember what you were arguing about. Mathrew 5:9 says, "happy are the peaceable, since they will be called sons of God". Sometimes it is what goodness you have that break the cold, hard heart. You have your life and your christian brother has his. If he forgives you, then you won your brother. You must pardon him, because the God Almighty pardons you more. Think about what happens if you pull a dog's ears. The dog will do everything it can to make you stop pulling. The same goes when you fight with an arrogant person. But is this worth it? Probably, not.
Good Site. Thank you.
User: anonymous
Date: 9/17/2007 10:25:00 PM
anonymous
Date: 5/4/2007 4:00:00 AM
Good for you that you found a new job. I had the same supervisor problem 2 years ago. I am learning from my mistakes. It is good to hold stuff from your supervisors especially if they deal with personality. It can be sad and depressing being manipulated by a supervisor. They suppose to be the one you trust. Unfortunately, I conclude that in the business world we must watch out what we say and how we say it. To fire someone is a serious, and hopefully the last resort. Hope this person feels better. After 3 months of leaving the job, I felt better and a sense of relief of not meeting with my ex-supervisor face-to-face. I don't talk about it with anyone. This is a very personal situation and something I decided. I was fortunate to find a job right away. I am stick to my values and practice good judgement in the workforce. Thanks!
User: anonymous
Date: 9/25/2007 1:40:00 PM
anonymous date 6/23/07 2:12pm. Are you going to Nursing School. Nurses will eat you alive. They are a very insecure group of people. I felt the same way as you did while trying to get thru school and eventualy support myself. It was a hard lonely journey being around this class of abusing people and profession. Doctors abuse nurses, nurses abuse each other. It will get better after you are done with school and have more control over the people you choose to be around on a daily basis. Good luck and dont give up.
User: anonymous
Date: 9/25/2007 10:40:00 PM
I had worked in a nursing home for 15 years as a cook.My supervisor has told other employees that I have talked bad about them.I have not said anything about anyone.This boss has told lies about me and others that she has fired in the last month.She has had other employees who are worried about getting fired testify against me in an arbitration hearing as well. She fired me and said I could not even open a can with a can opener and says i am incompetent and unstable .She even had them write letters to unemployment. Well I have not done anything wrong so I have hired a lawyer.I even went and took a competency test.And I have a lot of documentation that I was taking before she fired me.
User: anonymous
Date: 1/8/2008 9:23:00 PM
TELL THEM ALL THEY ARE JUST A DUMB ASS AND THEY CAN STICK THERE CONTROLLING WAYS IN THERE OWN BUTT
User: anonymous
Date: 1/11/2008 11:22:00 PM
I was feeling the same, this was proven good for me www.dealwithpeople-howtotakecontrol.weebly.com
hope it helps
User: anonymous
Date: 1/31/2008 4:48:00 PM
I'M 30 YEARS OLD AND MY MOTHER IS VERY CONTROLLING OVER MY LIFE AND MY BROTHER'S TOO. SHE TELLS US THAT IF WE THINK ABOUT LEAVING THE HOUSE SHE IS GOING TO DIE AND IS GOING TO BE OUR FAULT. OUR GRANDMOTHER DIED ABOUT 3 YEARS AGO SHE BURNED HER SELF AND DIED NOW OUR MOTHER TELLS US THAT SHE IS GOING TO DO THE SAME THING IF WE LEAVE HER ALONE.. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT WANT FOR ME TO HAVE A FAMILY SHE SAYS THAT I STILL HAVE TIME AND THAT I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY FOR NOW, THAT I'M TOO YOUNG. I WILL LIKE FOR SOMEONE TO ADVISE ME ON THIS MATTER
User: anonymous
Date: 2/5/2008 5:47:00 AM
I am in the process of starting a business with my older sister. I am having serious 2nd thoughts about continuing due to her controlling and demeaning behavior. I don't want to cause her a huge financial loss, but, I don't know how I can live like this for very much longer.
My g/f came to visit recently, and my sister would not let her come into the house! She thinks my g/f is a bad influence on me, which is quite the opposite, I assure you, and has never even met her. This is tearing apart my relationship with the girl I want to marry someday.
I feel like I'm digging myself into a deeper hole everyday.
User: anonymous
Date: 3/8/2008 5:38:00 PM
To the one who has a controlling sister. I think you will marry someday and have your own house so your sister will not control you. If faith is what you believe, then watch the movie "Arranged". Sometimes, dreams do come true with the right person.
Anonymous
User: anonymous
Date: 3/13/2008 6:13:00 PM
To 30 year old whose mother is very controlling and does not want you to marry. Your mother needs to get a life, and so do you.
You should not feel guilty for wanting a family of your own. If you don't take a stand to live your life, you will regret it.
Until I moved away from my controlling parents, nothing I did worked out. Now that I moved away from them, God became the focal point of my life.
I am in recovery from an abusive marriage to yet another abusive person, my "ex". But I still believe that not all men are controlling and manipulative.
User: anonymous
Date: 5/10/2008 10:07:00 AM
yPZpeA sd9fj41dkg0ckahr82y4
User: anonymous
Date: 5/25/2008 2:16:00 PM
Wow, it looks like there are a lot of us "victims" out there. I wish I could say I feel better reading all these comments, but they make me feel worse because the truth does not seem to be winning. Controlling people seem to be the incarnate of Lucifer, and attempting to do battle with Lucifer is St. Michael's territory. May God send this archangel to defend us all!
User: anonymous
Date: 6/26/2008 12:25:00 AM
Wow. Either you introduce these people to the good side of life, or you get back at them bigtime.
User: anonymous
Date: 7/6/2008 12:28:00 AM
Gloomy tales
User: anonymous
Date: 7/6/2008 5:33:00 AM
nice site dude
User: anonymous
Date: 7/31/2008 7:05:00 PM
great work man thx
User: anonymous
Date: 8/4/2008 9:09:00 PM
I work for a controlling boss, but unfortunately she was not the first. I learned to detach,do the best job I can, and rise above the situation. Once I've detach and continue to do my best with the right, pleasant attitude, nothing can be said. And.... if something is said, usually it's not going to be positive so don't expect. Take each comment - good or bad, and move on. Even if you give your all - it still won't be right so let it go! Consider it an illness. So often you want to say do it yourself! If you do, be ready to leave and be sure to already have a JOB!!!! Good luck - just don't take it personal and do your best. Don't leave until you're ready and if the chips fall where they get rid of you - you did your best and don't ever forget it!
User: anonymous
Date: 10/16/2008 3:44:00 PM
I seem to gravatate to controlling people as well. My mother makes me crazy always pushing and putting in her two cents about every issue. I have had to distance myself from my family. Too much drama. My mom hates pretty much all of friends and always has. I am 35 years old and enough is enough. She insults my brothers fiance and also his previous wife. She calls and complains about her husband to me all the time.
User: anonymous
Date: 11/11/2008 12:36:00 PM
hi webmasters good
User: anonymous
Date: 11/11/2008 1:11:00 PM
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User: anonymous
Date: 11/11/2008 5:12:00 PM
hi webmasters good
User: anonymous
Date: 11/11/2008 10:26:00 PM
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User: anonymous
Date: 11/12/2008 3:46:00 AM
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User: anonymous
Date: 11/12/2008 4:21:00 AM
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User: anonymous
Date: 11/12/2008 5:33:00 AM
hi webmasters good
User: anonymous
Date: 11/12/2008 7:19:00 AM
hi webmasters good
User: anonymous
Date: 12/7/2008 6:51:00 PM
I work with someone who tries to tell people that I'm incompetent, doesn't listen to a word of technical information I give and is always saying that what I did or what I said is wrong. I'm far senior level to this person in education and experience. I've tried to speak to this person on a few occasions but this person feels the need to always win the conversation. I'm a laid back person who just wants to work with others and get along. Why do some people have the need to control everything? Management knows the situation exists but they don't seem to do anything. I find myself very irrated frequently and can only go to the gym to work through it. Why can't people just get along?
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